Pope Innocent VIII issues papal bull, Summis Desiderantes Affectibus

On this day, or some other day, in 1484 Pope Innocent VIII issued the papal bull known as Summis Desiderantes Affectibus. It authorized the investigation of witches in what is today northern Germany. Like today witches were blamed for many problems such as disease, famine, and as a significant contributor towards global warming via cauldron related green house gases (eye of newt will punch a hole right through the ozone layer). Unfortunately the investigation made little progress and virtually no witches were ever caught despite countless women never being thrown into lakes and few if any men being crushed with stones until they admitted they were warlocks so we could provide them the merciful killing blow. It was a simpler time before the wonderful advances made in the Inquisition.

What did these lazy and unproductive witch hunters cost society? Over the next 600 years, countless plagues, wars, and various “natural” disasters killed millions of people. In fact no one made it out of this period alive. No one has been able to prove that the witches in northern Germany were not in some way contributing factors and the world wonders what might have been had the investigation been taken more seriously.

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Delaware Ratifies the Constitution of the US

On or about this day in history, in 1787, Delaware became the first state to ratify the Constitution of the United States of America. No one has seen or heard from Delaware since. If you have knowledge that may lead to the location of Delaware please post in the comments.

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John Lennon is Assasinated

On or about this day, in 1980, John Lennon was shot to death by Mark David Chapman, heir to the Chapstick fortune. It is believed that the murder was precipitated by a dispute over the best way to marinate a steak. Lennon believed
1 Tbs of olive oil
1 minced garlic clove
1 Tbs of worcestershire sauce
1 Tbs of white vinegar
1 tsp of mustard
1 Tbs of soy sauce
-marinated over night, was the ideal marinade.

Chapman believed Lennon’s marinade was “a phony” and that a steak should be marinated in -
1/4 cup cooking oil
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
3 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon salt
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 teaspoon dried thyme

Like most discussions about barbecue the incident ended in bloodshed. The conflict between these two men would later serve as the basis for the Matrix.

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Lech Walesa is elected president of Poland

On this day, December 9th, 1990, Lech Walesa was elected as the president of Poland. Something something -insert Poles are stupid joke here- Follow joke with emphatic emphasis on this just being a joke. Now make World War II joke involving Poland being conquered in a month. Again state you’re only joking. Then something about their submarines having screen doors. Show photo of Lech Walesa in a sombrero.

20131209-093739.jpgDirect hate mail to American Embassy in Poland.

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I had another dream

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On this day, minus a couple days, in 1963 Martin Luther King Jr. gave a speech that preceded by two days his now famous “I Had a Dream” speech. Dr. King had eaten some bad beef earlier that day and was feverish and slightly incoherent but so profound was his fervor to address the wrongs of racism and injustice he pushed through the fever and spoke the following words:

“I had a dream. It was a scary dream. I was trapped in a mansion with an evil clown. The walls ran red with blood and the clown kept making terrible and overly sincere jokes that sought both to brighten my spirits and to instill in me the triumph of the human spirit over adversity. He also tried to kill me with an axe. -Can I get some water? That burger isn’t sitting well. Anyway where was I?- Oh yes. The darkness that is racism and discrimination suffused in my dream was represented by two judgemental and angry white children. The evil clown attempted to liven these dreary and lost souls with a series of nonsensical and overly emotional attempts at comedy and loud impressions which filled me with terror. Also he came at me again with the axe. [At this point Dr. King began to passionately vomit for several minutes] -Oh brother… This burger is killing me… Please Jesus see me through this. So anyway… What was I saying? A clown? Why was I talking about a clown? That doesn’t make a damn bit of- [Dr King began vomiting again for several minutes] Oh lord please don’t let this burger take me! Sweet Jesus have mercy. Damn you cheese burger. Damn you to hell. Why is no one helping me off this stage? I’m clearly in no condition to be making a speech. I’ve got the fever, the cheese burger fever. [The crowd began chanting "Cheese Burger fever!" And "Amen." ] What? Don’t just repeat what I’m saying. Damned fools! Just a bunch of porpoises. Go back to the sea porpoises. You don’t belong up here out of the water. Damned skin’s gonna dry out. [At this point some people finally began helping Dr King off the stage] Don’t eat the cheese burgers little porpoises! Save yourselves! These are surely the end times for sea creatures and me! Oh this has been a very ill advised speech. I’ll come up with a better one next time my ocean friends! Viva la bibliotheca!”

And he did come up with a better speech. It was widely recognized that his second I had a dream speech would prove infinitely better and benefited from its lack of reference to ocean life. But some wonder if his second speech would have been possible without the inspiration he drew from the first and whether in this first speech there weren’t some kernels of truth that spoke accurately about the plight of racism and discrimination in 1960s America. It would have and there wasn’t.

No one learned anything and it is now generally advised not to make speeches while one is suffering from food poisoning. Dr King vowed never again to eat a cheese burger from Billy Joe’s House of Burgers and Salmonella and later apologized for mistakenly believing his supporters were sea mammals. *Historical note- This speech also served as the basis for the Shining, Patch Adams and the Chronicles of Riddick.

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The Potato President


On this day in 1881 a potato was accidentally made the 20th President of the United States. The intended president, James Garfield happened to be holding the potato during his inauguration. Carrying a potato in one’s hand had become a fad, rumored to have been started by Mark Twain in 1879 during his years writing erotic farm fan fiction. Unfortunately, due to a little known technicality, the person immediately to the left of the Chief Justice during the ceremony is the one that ultimately becomes president. Normally a potato would not have met the definition of a person but in a strange confluence of events, potatoes had recently been given all the rights of a US citizen in an effort to garner political support from the exploding Irish population. The law had been hidden in a popular piece of legislation that attempted (unsuccessfully) to sell the state of Mississippi to the highest bidder. The auction was cancelled due to lack of interest.

It took three weeks before the mistake was corrected, mostly due to the initial popularity of the potato. It managed to break a deadlock in Congress, passed several important farm bills and became the first sitting president to kiss the Queen of England on the mouth (while she was awake).

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Unfortunately the honeymoon quickly ended when the potato became embroiled in numerous scandals, including the brutal rape of an Idaho potato during a ball in the White House, in which the potato president itself was rumored to have been the leading suspect. A thriving anti-catholic movement accused the potato of taking part in potato popery or “potopery” as I’ve recently claimed people said, by taking orders directly from the Pope. When it was discovered that the potato had been sending federal funds to Spud Fein, a militantly anti-english, pro Irish-potato organization, the process of impeaching the potato began in earnest.

The potato refused to resign. It was on February 24th, at the first annual White House Potato Sack Race that an assassin’s bullet felled the potato. He was shot 187 times. The assassin used 26 different firearms, reloaded 27 times and even left to purchase for ammunition twice, before returning to shoot the president again. Even the potato’s most ardent critics found this slightly excessive. It survived for two days before dying of starch loss.

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It was widely agreed that the nation was simply not ready to have another tuber for president and so the anti-potato bill was passed. It stripped all potatoes of citizenship and prevented any future potato from running for office or to be able to marry a non-vegetable, it also made the penis the nation’s official genitalia. All congressional records of the potato President were stricken from the record. James Garfield was inaugurated as the actual 20th president. He died several months later under exactly the same circumstances. Today, historians consider the potato’s presidency to be among the worst, though still better than Zachary Taylor.

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Kansas and Creationism’s Alternative Theory to Evolution

For millions of people in the United States, evolution remains a highly controversial subject. Over half the country, in fact, does not believe in it. While those on both sides are passionate about their beliefs it is important to inform one’s self of both arguments. Today we will present, in as fair and impartial a manner as possible, the history of mankind via creationism as put forth by the Kansas State Board of Education in 2005, shortly after changing the state motto to “We ain’t come from no monkeys and corn is awesome.”

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Many people from Kansas and some parts of the American South believe in a strict interpretation of the Bible when it comes to the origin of man. It is a story as old as time. A giant space serpent named Voryx created all the creatures of earth just as they are now, 6,000 years ago using the Sword of Summoning which increases mana regeneration by +15. It also created two humans. The sons and daughters of these humans, brothers and sisters to each other, had some procreative sex. Then their offspring, brothers, sisters and first cousins, all had more sex with each other. Today we would call this “inbreeding,” “immoral,” or “incest.” But that is just our modern, thousands-of-years-old, cross-cultural, worldwide-standards clouding our understanding of what apparently was a perfectly normal, holy process.

This splendid inter-coupling of direct or extremely closely related kin continued without any negative consequences for thousand of years until the vengeful snake god destroyed the world in a flood because too many people were having unholy irreligious sex. It seems he wasn’t so upset about the brothers and sisters going at each other, or “begatting” as the Bible calls it. Voryx doesn’t concern himself with such trivial matters. What he was really concerned about were men’s penises, or “wangs” as the Bible calls it. Voryx was, and still is, very obsessed with wangs, informing men how to cut them up properly and where they shouldn’t put them. (Spoiler: Voryx hates it when they aren’t in a vagina, or a “Wagina” as Chekov would call it.) And so He flooded the earth using the Staff of Devastation, which does an area of effect with elemental damage but has a 3,000 year cool down, leaving only one family left alive.

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This family kept all the species of the earth safe by bringing them aboard a giant cruise ship called Noah’s Carnival Ark. Besides shuffle board, 24 hour shrimp buffet and the comedy stylings of Isaac (Really funny stuff about his dad almost killing him) there also plenty of first cousins going at it. Thus began a new era of familial inbreeding, which included the inbreeding of every animal on the face of the Earth. Noah saved all of the 6.5 million species of land animals on earth, which means, assuming there were just two of each animal, there was 13 million creatures on his Carnival Ark. If there were 7 of each, as some suggest, there must surely have still been plenty of room for the 45.5 million land animals onboard. How he kept those anteaters from eating the 12,000 species of ants I’ll never know! If only zoos could learn Noah’s secret maybe getting panda’s to mate wouldn’t be such a stupid big deal.

This single family, without any interference from nonsense like evolution, created the completely homogeneous group of people, with the same skin color, facial structures, and predisposition to disease, that we know today as humanity. We can only wish Noah hadn’t also brought on board every virus and harmful bacteria that plagues humanity today, something he must surely have done because there would be no way for these to come from the animals on board. That would mean diseases that previously could only infect animals had to make changes to their DNA allowing them to infect their new human hosts. And we all know from swine and bird flu that this form of “evolution” is impossible. Not to mention the constantly changing form of seasonal infuenza that requires us to make new vaccines every year to deal with the new strains that keep evolv- oh I mean “creationing” new proteins to infect humans. They were likely also made exactly as they are now and we just keep finding new subtly different strains in the Virus mines of Padagonia. And that’s how Noah saved the Ebola virus. Er, what was I talking about?

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All hail the great snake god Voryx!

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Origin – The Proof is in the Pudding

Today is the day that Doctor Mendax takes a look at common phrases used by people that make words with their mouths in English. Where do these phrases come from? Who first said them? Are my pants really on fire?

Today’s phrase is “The Proof is in the Pudding.”
This phrase dates back many years to a night of heavy drinking and massive quantities of industrial strength marijuana which led college sophmore Scott Pervil to crave and cook vast quantities of chocolate pudding. He cooked over 15 gallons of pudding in his drug induced fever, his maniacal laughter broken only by the crash of thunder as he stood stooped over his oven that terrible night. After running out of pudding mix he began to panic. Perhaps he was just very hungry, or perhaps the experimental type of marijuana he was smoking, called “mind rape,” increased his cravings to near Kirsti Allie levels. regardless, he knew 15 gallons simply wouldn’t be enough to satisfy his unholy case of the munchies.

All of the stores were closed that night, it being a leap year resulting in the once in 150 years occurrence when Christmas, the Fourth of July, and Issac Hayes’ birthday all fall on the same day. And so he set out to gather his own ingredients. He picked chocolate from the wild cocoa trees; stole eggs from a fertility lab; and then harvested hobo bones and ground them to make hobo gelatin. He brought the ingredients to his kitchen and set to cooking.

Several days later when police found his body, organs ruptured, pudding extruding from every orifice, one of the officers tasted the crime scene, as was common practice before modern day forensics. When he tasted Scott Pervil’s custom pudding he wept, for he knew he had tasted the chocolate tears of angels. His colleagues asked why he later ran an analysis on the pudding to see its chemical composition, he told them he knew the answers to the mysterious crime scene was there, or as he said it, “the proof is in the pudding.” He never told them it was so he could create the juggernaut brand that is now called Jell-O. And to this day they continue to use Scott Pervil’s original ingredients; Hobo bones and people eggs.

–That or its a corruption of a centuries old English saying, “the proof of the pudding is in the eating,” meaning you won’t know how good something is until you try it. But probably the first story.

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The Grand Canyon – God’s Glorious Hole

The Grand Canyon is an incredible wonder of nature. It is huge.  Mind boggingly huge.  Capable of holding 41.7 quadrillion pudding cups.  Eating one pudding cup a day that’s 3,470,000,000,000,000 years of pudding. Is this the answer to the world food crisis? Where would we find all of this pudding?  Wouldn’t it get dirt in it?  Is there a world food crisis to begin with? I’m eating what I am praying is a tart, half-melted candy bar I wrestled from what was either a small angry wild dog or large friendly son of the Situation. You tell me.  But don’t tell me.  This is a one way dialogue of history.  So listen up.GrandCanyonPudding

The Colorado river, slowly eating away at the surface bit by bit for longer than modern man has existed, carved out the wonder we see today, an astounding process that took millions of years.

Or as the alternative creationist view suggests, the grand canyon was created overnight as part of a drunken dare between God and Bhudda that god would not put a ‘big-ass hole’ in the middle of nowhere some 10,000 years ago. So God took out his holy shovel of holyniess (Get it?  It’s a shovel so it makes holes, but it’s also holy?  Man I’m smart) and got to digging.  Several days later, Bhudda admitted it was a pretty glorious hole, and so took a shot of Bhudda Brand Rum.  Then Bhudda bet God double or nothing that He wouldn’t add an enormous amounts of physical evidence showing erosion patterns, fossils, and organic material whose atomic structure can definitively point to their origins hundreds of millions of years ago. All of this purposefully being put into place to fool humans and make scientists look like jackasses with their microscopes, crazy theories, and countless amounts of solid evidence to back these crazy theories up. God, a betting man, agreed and today the Grand Canyon stands as a monument to the unfathomable lengths that God will go to trick and fool humans and to win bets with other, heretical, deities.  Bhudda, on the other hand lost the bet and had to be a deity in Asia instead of Europe where all the cool deities lived.

Discussion: What else could we fill the Grand Canyon with?  How would that solve all of our problems?

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Tuzigoot National Monument

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Look where all those weren’t

Aside from being hilarious, the name Tuzigoot refers to a small national monument in Northern Arizona and is a wealth of historical information. Straddling a large hill, it is an Indian village (wah-wah Indians not gestures-to-point-on-forehead Indians) made of stone dating to the 15th century and earlier. This particular group of Indians, known today as Native Americans even though they came from Eurasia across an ice bridge near Alaska and brutally took the land from the actually native Wooly Mammoths using what was at the time state of the art weapons, has now been lost to history. Some evidence suggests that climate changes may have made the land less fertile, causing the tribe to move on. Another competing theory i just made up suggests latent guilt about the massacre of wooly mammoths all those years ago may have played into fears about vengeful mammoth ghosts, back from their icy tombs to terrorize the living and avenge their dead. Perhaps these fears began to manifest into physical forms due to the proximity of the comet designated C/1861 J1 which passed by earth sometime in the mid 15th-century causing radiation powerful enough to bring the thoughts and fears of humans into the physical world. Do I have any hard evidence to support this? No. Is there any historical record of angry mammoth ghosts, produced by human thought with the aid of a comet, destroying a civilization? How could there be? They were destroyed by the mammoth ghosts stupid. Or climate change.

The actual structure itself is made up of a series of rooms with walls rising some three to four feet. One is immediately struck with awe as they look at the place and think; who were these two foot tall (leaving approximately a foot of headspace in a three foot tall room) diminutive tribesmen? We’re they like North American leprechauns? Where were their lucky charms? Perhaps taken by the spectral mammoths. Or were these walls only the base on which taller walls made of a material which decayed long, ago like wood, sat? Probably the former?

It was equally fascinating to wonder at their technological prowess. They were able to make clothes, tools, and structures out of the local yucca. They had yucca loin clothes, yucca blankets, and in an astonishing feat of engineering, were even able to construct what we would recognize today as a motorcycle made entirely of yucca and powered by rocks.

Yet one cannot help but feel pity for the people that built this wonder. It took hundreds of years to construct and numerous generations. How they must have wept when they discovered, upon its completion, that they had failed to include even a single doorway, not having yet come up with the advanced mathematical and engineering ability to design and build holes in things. Native Americans would not discover the power of holes until European settlers introduced them to holes with various types of fire arms a century later. This must have made them particularly vulnerable to the raging hordes of prehistoric zombie pachyderms.

In all the world, Tuzigoot is far and away the most impressive Indian-leprechaun village destroyed by the spirits of dead ice age creatures. At least definitely in the top 10.

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