For millions of people in the United States, evolution remains a highly controversial subject. Over half the country, in fact, does not believe in it. While those on both sides are passionate about their beliefs it is important to inform one’s self of both arguments. Today we will present, in as fair and impartial a manner as possible, the history of mankind via creationism as put forth by the Kansas State Board of Education in 2005, shortly after changing the state motto to “We ain’t come from no monkeys and corn is awesome.”
Many people from Kansas and some parts of the American South believe in a strict interpretation of the Bible when it comes to the origin of man. It is a story as old as time. A giant space serpent named Voryx created all the creatures of earth just as they are now, 6,000 years ago using the Sword of Summoning which increases mana regeneration by +15. It also created two humans. The sons and daughters of these humans, brothers and sisters to each other, had some procreative sex. Then their offspring, brothers, sisters and first cousins, all had more sex with each other. Today we would call this “inbreeding,” “immoral,” or “incest.” But that is just our modern, thousands-of-years-old, cross-cultural, worldwide-standards clouding our understanding of what apparently was a perfectly normal, holy process.
This splendid inter-coupling of direct or extremely closely related kin continued without any negative consequences for thousand of years until the vengeful snake god destroyed the world in a flood because too many people were having unholy irreligious sex. It seems he wasn’t so upset about the brothers and sisters going at each other, or “begatting” as the Bible calls it. Voryx doesn’t concern himself with such trivial matters. What he was really concerned about were men’s penises, or “wangs” as the Bible calls it. Voryx was, and still is, very obsessed with wangs, informing men how to cut them up properly and where they shouldn’t put them. (Spoiler: Voryx hates it when they aren’t in a vagina, or a “Wagina” as Chekov would call it.) And so He flooded the earth using the Staff of Devastation, which does an area of effect with elemental damage but has a 3,000 year cool down, leaving only one family left alive.
This family kept all the species of the earth safe by bringing them aboard a giant cruise ship called Noah’s Carnival Ark. Besides shuffle board, 24 hour shrimp buffet and the comedy stylings of Isaac (Really funny stuff about his dad almost killing him) there also plenty of first cousins going at it. Thus began a new era of familial inbreeding, which included the inbreeding of every animal on the face of the Earth. Noah saved all of the 6.5 million species of land animals on earth, which means, assuming there were just two of each animal, there was 13 million creatures on his Carnival Ark. If there were 7 of each, as some suggest, there must surely have still been plenty of room for the 45.5 million land animals onboard. How he kept those anteaters from eating the 12,000 species of ants I’ll never know! If only zoos could learn Noah’s secret maybe getting panda’s to mate wouldn’t be such a stupid big deal.
This single family, without any interference from nonsense like evolution, created the completely homogeneous group of people, with the same skin color, facial structures, and predisposition to disease, that we know today as humanity. We can only wish Noah hadn’t also brought on board every virus and harmful bacteria that plagues humanity today, something he must surely have done because there would be no way for these to come from the animals on board. That would mean diseases that previously could only infect animals had to make changes to their DNA allowing them to infect their new human hosts. And we all know from swine and bird flu that this form of “evolution” is impossible. Not to mention the constantly changing form of seasonal infuenza that requires us to make new vaccines every year to deal with the new strains that keep evolv- oh I mean “creationing” new proteins to infect humans. They were likely also made exactly as they are now and we just keep finding new subtly different strains in the Virus mines of Padagonia. And that’s how Noah saved the Ebola virus. Er, what was I talking about?
All hail the great snake god Voryx!